I miss the old me

As weird as that sounds- I miss the non-pregnant, full of energy, patient, and strong- [old] me. I know I am at the end of pregnancy so I WILL not be pregnant by the end of the month, but I am fed up with not feeling like myself. I realized it today. I woke up early enough and with enough energy to get myself and the girls ready to go to church (despite the fact that I was up from 1a-4a with contrax 10 min apart). So I got up, the sun was shining and we were ready and out the door on time, even though Lauren had a mishap with a marker.. After church I felt refreshed spiritually but was shaky and queazy because my blood sugar was low. I had to grab two kids, get to the car, and get some lunch quick or I was going to fall over. So I drove through McDonalds. I just hate doing that- I would have liked to have the energy and strength to make it home and have some pancakes and bacon for brunch. And then we went to Target after that. I was just NOT going to sit at home and watch TV one more day. It hasn't been this beautiful (sunny and 70's) outside in days so we WERE taking advantage of it. We went and bought Easter baskets and all the goodies to fill them with. Yes- I had my kids with me. No- we don't do the whole "Easter Bunny is real" thing. The girls were WONDERFUL, but I couldn't even make it through the store without keeping them in the cart. There was no way I had the strength or patience to have them out of the cart looking around. But they told me what they wanted in their baskets. We got them little gardening tools (I love Targets- $1 section!!- Whoop Whoop!!) and they told me which basket they preferred so there is no fighting Easter morning ;o). And lots more goodies. We even got a basket and things for Madelyn. Side Note- even though Madelyn may not be here, I couldn't imagine if she was here with no basket.. So what did she get you ask? Well, a chocolate bunny of course. And we got her a book, hair bows, pacifiers and a little baby toy/rattle. Ok, back to the story. We are leaving and headed home to change out of our church clothes and I got a BURST of energy and a taste of how I was when I am not pregnant. We rolled all the windows down, turned the radio up and had a DANCE PARTY/Jam session on the ride home. The girls were laughing and having so much fun!!! They were reminded of how much fun we used to have and how crazy their mommy is. But I just feel like I don't have this passion to be "ALIVE" when I am pregnant. I am always worn down, always feeling like my hands are tied. I am exhausted and my physical body is "handicap". I have always felt strong enough to carry my children through stores or to bend down and kiss boo boo's. I LOVE to be on their level- get on the floor and do a puzzle or sit on the kids' picnic table and do play-doh. Lately, I haven't been able to do any of this- I have felt so disconnected from motherhood. Almost like-why did I want three kids when I cannot handle two. I seem to want the kids to entertain themselves, when I used to LOVE coming up with new things for us to do together. I was to the point where BOTH girls helped me cook every night and now, I am barely able to stand in the kitchen long enough to make a PB&J.

I know I am not a lazy person. I know I LOVE children and raising mine is my passion and my calling. I also know that pregnancy is HARD for me. Between my hormones and attitude change and my physical/painful change my body makes- 9 months of this makes me think I have changed. Thankfully God has showed me, I won't always be pregnant and cranky and to persevere through this season of pregnancy.

Please do not take this the wrong way, by any means. I know some people would literally kill to be pregnant and have a child. I know infertility or staying pregnant is an issue for many and I am not taking away for the miracle and incredible BLESSING pregnancy and motherhood is. I have experienced a late miscarriage with my first child and I remember HATING to hear anything negative about pregnancy. When pregnant women would complain about aches and pains I would become angry and frustrated because I wanted to be pregnant and stay pregnant no matter what the pains it would take- which is why I am pregnant!! I am willing to sacrifice for the greatest blessing God has ever given me. IT IS ALL WORTH IT!!!! I am just coming to the end, and beginning to realize the difference between who I am and who I am when I am pregnant. At this point I am ready to meet Madelyn and get back to "the old me" :o)

OK- funny thing Grace was telling me:

After church Grace was telling me what they learned at church. She said "We learned about the lady who was 'bent-ed' ". WHAT?! I asked plenty of questions and or convo went something like this:

me- "who was the bent-ed lady, your teacher?"

Grace- "Noooo!! She was in the Bible and Jesus touched her back and healed her"

me- "who told you this story?" (as in- who called her the bent lady?)

Grace- "my teachers at church told us about the bent-ed lady who walked like this (she was hunched over) and Jesus healed her, she was crooked"

me- "did your teachers call her the crooked lady?"

Grace- "no they said she was the bent-ed lady and she was born crooked and Jesus healed her."

So after the whole convo- which I laughed hysterically through, I still am NOT familiar with this bent-ed lady story in the Bible and as reverent as I am to God, I know He was laughing at this story Grace shared with me. By the way, Lauren agreed with her and proceeded to tell me the same story that she learned today too. I may have to look this one up..